17 John Mulaney Quotes To Make You Laugh Today

John Edmund Mulaney is an admired standup comedian, producer, actor and comedy writer. In the last decade, he had been responsible for some of the most exceptional comedy records and John Mulaney quotes had attracted wide popularity across the web. Born in Chicago on 26 August 1982 he had become a massive fan of comedy at a very early age and used to act out skits with his friends in junior high school. After graduation, he moved to New York City for making a career in comedy.

He is best known for being the writer on Saturday Night Live. John Mulaney is also the voice behind spider ham in Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. He is still recognized for his humble approach on stage even after colossal fame. The Comeback Kid and Kid Gorgeous at Radio City on Netflix are the most loved comedy shows, and the latter won him a Primetime Emmy Award as well. Here are some of the hilarious John Mulaney Quotes to make your day amazing.

17 John Mulaney Quotes

1. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.  – John Mulaney


2. I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.  – John Mulaney

 3. I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.  – John Mulaney


4. I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.  – John Mulaney

5. I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.  – John Mulaney

Best Of John Mulaney

6. Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.  – John Mulaney

7. I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.  – John Mulaney

8. Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.  – John Mulaney

9. I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out and I would ruin parties.  – John Mulaney

10. My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.  – John Mulaney


11. I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just pants.  – John Mulaney

12. Something happened here. You hope it’s a miracle, but probably not.  – John Mulaney quotes

13. 13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world.  – John Mulaney


14. College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?”  – John Mulaney

15. I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called  Tonight’s No Good. How About Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s Not See Each Other for Eight Months and It Doesn’t Matter at All.  – John Mulaney

16. I don’t look older, I just look worse.  – John Mulaney

17. You remember being 12, when you’re like, “No one looks at me or I’ll kill myself. – John Mulaney


I hope you enjoyed reading the hilarious John Mulaney quotes. Share with me the quote you like the most in the comments below.

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Nakul Grover

Nakul Grover, author of Superhuman In You and the one who runs this blog. He has been writing on self-improvement since 2014. Featured on various websites, his works have helped thousands of people to live an extraordinary life. He loves spending his leisure hours in reading books and learning new skills.